Okay so the wedding wasn't such a good idea.  First of all I have always dreamed of falling in love and having my own wedding....needless to say I haven't gotten the chance.  Secondly, it was my cousin's wedding through marriage and I have never exactly fit it.  (I think I am tolerated b/c of my grandmother- she always receives invitations to family functions and always needs me to drive her to them.)  See I called our aunt  to get directions, find out specifics, etc. and had to leave a message.  Well she seemed to think I was being a smart-ass on the voice mail so she left me a nasty message to look it up on the internet (etc.) and when I got there wouldn't talk to me.  Which hurt b/c I really would love to be included, loved, and accepted into a family- not just tolerated.  I know why I have never been accepted....I was raised by my maternal grandmother and my uncles.  My mother is an alcoholic/drug addict/homeless.  No to mention the numerous counts of abuse I sustained as a child as a result of her drug induced anger.  Being her daughter coupled with quitting school b/c I was raped and to weak to go back to that school pretty much outcasted me.  So I lost my mind, yelled at my grandmother, and moved out at 15 living with whom ever I could.  The next brilliant thing I did was getting knocked up by a loser, then the following year getting knocked up by a different one.  After I had no where else to go I came to Livingston so my grandmother could help me with my boys so I could go to school....which I finally accomplished.  I said all of that to say this....These events motivated me to succeed so that just maybe my family would accept me again but I guess that's not going to ever happen.  It's just not in the cards for me!

The second crisis of the day has to do with love.  When I was 14 I left the love of my life for my ex-boyfriend.  At the time, I felt obligated to my ex (after all he was suppose to be my first love right).  Well I was wrong he was not a nice guy.  So we ended up splitting up and I realized how much I loved Ben but I didn't see him for yrs after that so I never had the chance to tell him.  See the night I truely realized how much I loved him was the night before he killed himself.  I sat outside his parents house but he never came home but he was inside the house I just didn't know it....I doubt it was over me after all it had been 4 yrs...but I have to live with not knowing.  The point of that story is the correlation b/t then and now.  Now, in all of my glory, I have realized that I fell in love 14mths ago with my ghost and again out of obligation I never really let him know.  At least this time he didn't kill himself he just got married.  Not like he fell in love with me anyway but that's not the point now is it?? 

So now I get to go to sleep mad at myself and so depressed at the fact that I have never lived my life for me...it's always been out of this obligation that I, for some reason, feel towards others.

So this has been a bad day for me.  I have realized that you can't fix something that you didn't break in the first place, that I am weak, co-dependent, and that I can screw up anything if given the chance.

Last thought for the day: Am I losing it or has it always been lost?

Thanks for the replies of encouragement and that is really my pic. LOL

I'm not sure whats going to happen.  I haven't seen my husband in 2 weeks.  I will keep you guys informed on the drama.

Thank you!!!